It's been so long since I have written anything here. Every
time I start writing, it seems so irrelevant, so, well, meaningless. My
thoughts, my life, there's so much more important things for other people to do
than read what I've written. But then, nobody is important, actually. We are
all equal in one thing: we have given this one life and we all try to make most
of it, in our own unique way. Someone might seem to live more important life
than others, but in the end... Who cares? It's not about looks. It's about how
comfortable we are being alone, just us and our thoughts, doubts, dreams, and
what we make of them. So, if someone is willing to spend their time reading my
blog… Here I am again, with my annoying habit of thinking aloud.
You know I upload a lot of pretty photos on Instagram. I do
it because I like it. Also, it's easy, just few lines and that's enough. But
with a blog... I don't do lightweight. I feel I can't just pop here and splash
a few pretty photos and say hey I had a cup of coffee and life is good. Even
thought that might be the truth. My life is a mess of small pretty things in a
chain, while the big picture is one of a person with chronic illness, with
pain, with fatigue, with a constant struggle. While it's absolutely ok for me
to not talk about it all the time on Instagram, I feel it's too shallow to put
my life aside when I write a blog post. There's dozens of tutorials for
example, I'd love to share with you, or hints, DIY things, pictures of my slow
craft projects. But there's the problem: when I have written about my nightmare
struggles with the Finnish public health care system, for example, how could I
upload a lovely little tutorial next?
Well, I could, naturally, it's my life too, part of me.
Maybe I shouldn't think too much. Life isn't straightforward, anyway. It
never is a highway with clear directions and well-structured paths waiting for
you and you knowing it all by heart beforehand, with a map. Oh no, it's a tiny
trail, with never ending weave, so you never know what's coming up next, the
map has lost at some point, you have actually no idea where you are going
anyway, and why is another question sometimes, too, and it might be even you
have forgotten how you ended up on the trail at the first place. It's a mix of
lost and found, hidden and visible, dreams and reality that sometimes
encounter. So maybe I don’t need to take things so seriously, just post
whatever I like.
You might remember I have been listening this one Finnish
artist a lot, Juha Tapio. Well, I have not listened to anything for months,
being too tired, but yesterday I found out he has a new album, and naturally I
had to listen to it immediately. You might also remember that I (among probably
many, many more people) have mentioned that it seems that there's a perfect,
suitable song for everyone and for every situation in life. I have mentioned
also that for some reason, Juha Tapio has touched my heart with his lyrics more
than most artists. It wasn't a surprise then, that there was a song that
reflected the thoughts I have been thinking a lot lately.
His song Kuka näkee sut (Who sees you) is about who
sees you, who remains when everyone else's gone, who catches you when you jump.
And that's it, that’s been a lot on my mind. Who sees us just as we are?
Fragile, broken, strong and vulnerable, all the beauty in us, all the ugliness
inside, all the darkness, all the light. Hears our roaring laughter, hears our
whispering cry when there's nothing else remaining.
I think that might be the one important thing in life that
matters the most. You know, I have been blessed to have parents who have always
supported me, I have known all my life they are there, ready catch me if I
fall, if I jump, and then my husband who is willing to do the same, and who
always remains when nobody else does, who would jump with me if it helps me
more than catching me. Also, knowing God sees me too, just as I am, and is still
there, willing to see me, gives me strength. How could I not feel privileged,
blessed, loved, supported? How could I not feel strong, optimistic? It’s so
easy for me, to see the little things. Maybe it’s a way to survive too, as
seeing the beauty in tiny details in life makes me assured that there’s a point
in the big picture, too, even though I can’t see it right now. It’s easier to
believe in good, when you have someone beside you. That’s the point. How do
they survive, who has nobody? What if there’s nobody who sees you?
Well, I might need to soften my gloomy thoughts with telling
you that this is my favourite time of spring. Hundreds and hundreds of swans
flying over our home, greeting us as they pass, gracefully and silently, sun
catching their whiteness and somehow giving me hope and strength. There is a
nesting place for swans not far from us and every spring, as long as I can
remember, they have come, in pairs, in dozens, in hundreds, gliding just over our
roof, greeting us, every spring, and then leaving every autumn. It surely gives
a perspective to things, to time, and to life. It’s not long now for lilies of
the valley start blooming, the equivalent of swans in the language of flowers. (Did
you know that swan is the national animal of Finland, and lily of the valley
the national flower of Finland? Suit perfectly, the silent forte, the invisible
determination, the graceful, elegant beauty without any signs of showing off
but still knowing their place and filling it completely naturally.)
