"When there’s still time"

I have had problems with writing my blog for a simple and yet very ridiculous reason. After getting more and more likes in Instagram or YouTube or wherever (not that I have many, but you know) I have kind of lost myself. I absolutely do not have neat plans for gaining likes in social media or getting whatever it is so many dream of social media giving them these days. I have quite my share of rough experiences of social media hurting already wounded. The more I know my posts gain publicity the less I want to share anything.

I have also been thinking what others would want or would definitely not want to read. The “would list” would include things like tutorials or cute, light, sweet, pretty topics that makes you smile. And that, my darlings, are ok, as everything that makes you smile is fantastic. But, my life happens to have also those darker shades that makes me usually want to speak about things that aren’t light, pretty, cute, sweet. Topics that maybe hurt a bit – but then might make you smile. And the “would definitely not list” is so full of topics I want to share with you that maybe, just maybe I will throw out the defense walls I have built around myself and start writing.

I got my disability pension last autumn, after 6 years of a struggle and fight. It made me so tired I never knew one could feel that much tiredness. I let it all wash over me like a welcomed heavy rain as I knew it would be necessary, after so many years of unknown, waiting, everything that had happened. I could finally let go of past. Of my dreams, of my goals, of my life, of everything that I was. This has been time of rebuilding, of listening myself, of what I am, who I am, what I want. What it is that life has still to give me. Even if I am so tired I can hardly see, think straight, I know one thing. Life is good and I can finally think that I can patiently wait what it is that life has planned for me.

 

In this world of pressure, busyness, accomplishments, achievements, goals, success, to find your own place can be overwhelming. Do I choose what is right? To simply trust that everything that happens, happens for a reason, to think that we can choose only how we feel it is the correct choice just this moment and to realise we cannot know what tomorrow let alone the next ten years bring, is hard.  I have learnt a lot during these years, about patience, about being gentle to myself, to adjust my own goals according to my own life instead of what I think the world around me expects from me. It isn’t always easy and certainly I worry too much as I know by now that everything happening happens for a reason unknown today but revealing one day. I have learnt to live today. I can’t do 5-years plans, when I don’t know what happens tomorrow and for me it is a blessing. I don’t need to tackle with all those ambitious bucket lists trying to adjust myself into a mold that doesn’t fit. I am alive today and that is a glorious thing to celebrate each day.

I am still not certain what life has in its sleeve for me, but meanwhile I enjoy being. Of adding lace to vintage papers and whispering encouraging messages to others. That, my darling, is as good a life that any other and is perfect for me today. And it seems that those small things in life happened and happening have slowly brought me into this moment, molded me and my life unnoticed to fit into something that suits me better than I could have never ever have planned myself, not in a billion years. 

You can read a story about the journey in the Paper Garden blog and there’s a lovely, long article about my art journaling in the Art Journalingmagazine Winter 2020 issue by Stampington & Co.

Somehow seeing my own story printed I have realized it is real. That somehow my life has lead me to this moment, to today, when it is good to be alive just as I am.

And then I heard this new song by my favourite artist, Juha Tapio. It spoke to me in volumes, as his lyrics always do, and so much so that I wanted to share it with you. (My poor translation for you follows, as I know most of my readers definitely do not understand Finnish.)

This is what life is. This is how I want my life to be... When there's still time. 

Juha Tapio's Kun vielä ehtii When There's Still Time

When there’s still time, I want to say thank you

To say it today and not to leave it for tomorrow

When thre’s still time, let’s agree that

On the crossing you can only step to the white

When there’s still time, let the self-made storms be

I’d like to be someone, with whom it’d be easy to breathe with

When there’s still time,

When there’s still time

When there’s still time, to celebrate and laugh

With friends on a summer evening

When there’s still time, let’s make love***

The words I say, let them build harmony

When there’s still time, I want to be for you a solid, strong oak tree

And to see how, on the puddles of the street side, stars reflect to us

When there’s still time,

When there’s still time

To let the wind drag you, to stand in a heavy rain

To go on the edge and over, embrace towards fear

To hold on, to let go

And to choose them right

When there’s still time,

When there’s still time

I want to kiss your neck

To lightly touch to your arm

To be today, and not someone gone or arriving

To hold on, to let go

And to choose them right

To grown to ones size

When there’s still time,

When there’s still time,

When there’s still time,

When there’s still time,

When there’s still time, I want to say thank you

To say it today.

Lyrics Juha Tapio

*** the Finnish verse means literally to make/to build/to do love in a general sense

P.S. There'll be also those cute-sweet-light-pretty posts, too, promise. And, I have planned to write a whole series of posts about mixed media and art journaling, about my favourite media and tools, how-to and so on. It is not that I don't have time. I just don't have the energy to write often, but I try to begin as soon as possible.