About new years and new beginnings - about life

 

I have learnt not to make promises just because year changes from one to another. I have learnt not to make plans just because of a new year. Above all, I have learnt both would be pointless. One cannot plan life. When the year 2016 changed to 2017, we raised a glass, me and my dear husband, and were grateful for all the things 2016 brought to us. Not all things were pleasant, easy, or something we would have chosen to live, experience. But I am certain those things were the ones that made the rest even more dear, precious, and beautiful.

 

A year has 365 days, mostly. It's a lot, when you think about it. At least when you cannot plan your next day. When you don't know if there would be a next day. To celebrate life is to give it a change. Normally we are too busy trying to define, mould or change our life to stop and take a deep breath or three, and listen. Just let it be and become what it should - or should have been long ago, given the chance.

No, I am not talking about making your life one big mindfulness exercise. I am just thinking aloud. My birthday is in January. I have used to changing my age around the same time the Earth gets older. It might lessen the glamour of new beginnings, being a January girl. At the same time, it makes them essential and natural part of my life. And thinking back, about last year... Oh, my.

 

In the New Year 2016 I didn't guess that in two weeks’ time I would lie in a hospital bed wondering if this would be it. I didn't see that I would be told I could never again continue my precious PhD about the Urban Culture in the Early Iron Age Northern Israel and surroundings, because my twisted genes and rare diseases have destroyed my sight, my brain, my body. I totally could have not predicted my ability to speak and write in Finnish would vanish in an overnight, one bright, sunny September day. Nor did I foresee cerebral stroke, well... A lot of things. But. I had no idea I would also enjoy memorable shooting session with Miss Windy Shop, I would design my first Varalusikka jewellery (or that soon later my husband needed to take the responsibility and make Varalusikka to work because I had not strength for it), I would discover that even if I have not strength for painting, I could use my iPhone and "paint" photos and discover a whole new world of Instagram.

You see? It's rather pointless to plan to ahead when your body does not speak the same language as your mind. (In my mind I would be writing my dissertation right now, instead of lying in bed, cannula in my arm and tubes saying drop, drop, and writing to you there -hi- about new years.) But even if your body is not as broken as mine, it might be the same. Carpe diem, they say. I don't. I say, let the moment go, let it be, let it come, and enjoy it as it is. Above all, remember, not all moments in life cannot be lovely pink rose petal dance, but it's worth living anyway. Because it might well be the moment of utter misery that is leading to the lovely pink rose petal dance moment. I want to believe it, anyway.

Gentle Softness

Anaphalis margaritacea

I would like to think October is the perfect time of year to be gentle to yourself. Summer is definitely over, but the fuss about Christmas is yet to come. (You must remember, I am a Finn, we don't do Halloween here, it's just October and yes, All Saint's Day, but not the big Halloween thingy.) I love this time of year, the bright colors are gone now, the nature is full of soft, gentle tones. My fatiqued brains enjoy it, not too much details, colors, light, it's just softness and stillness.

Somehow I feel most content this time of year. I hope I will someday learn to feel this way thewhole year round. Or, maybe I feel content just now, because I think I can honestly say, I am learning my lesson of life and truly letting go what could not be. It has been a long journey, still continuing the rest of my life, I am sure, but I have (almost) accepted it. I have learned to be gentler on myself. Not all the time, none of us could do that, I suppose. But you know the moments you are thinking if you had tried harder, done differently, or if this and that... In these moments I now remember what doctors have said to me. I could not have done more, I could not have tried harder, I could not have done differently. I have a brain injury. I have several rare illnesses. My body have a mind of its own and it does not do always as I want it to do. I am not a quitter, I tried harder than most would have, they say. And now, when I lay on my bed unable to move, I don't blame myself and think if I just want harder, maybe...

I was going to write my PhD about the Late Bronze Age urban culture continuing in the Iron Age I Northern Israel and Syria. It was my dream, my goal, my self. But I want to think there is another plan for me, that's why I had this accident destroying my memory and launching Ehlers-Danlos syndrome to a full force in me, and also chronic fatique syndrome... And myasthenia gravis. Most of the time I can't even remember the title of my dissertation. Oh, it has been a bitter path, to accept that I cannot ever continue to do what I love most. I still cry a lot, I still miss it, I still have a tremendous sorrow in my heart, but I understand it's impossible. That I need to accept it and try to focus on what's more important at the moment. To breathe. (Because that's sometimes quite an effort.) And I believe, someday I will understand, why all this.

I was delighted to listen to Leonard Cohen's latest album You Want It Darker, released yesterday. It's so full of the themes I struggle with. And yet, it has gentle softness in it. As always. I have been listening his magical voice my whole life, but this latest one, this is absolute, pure gold for a broken soul. Dark tones, but there is still that gentle reflection of hope. It's like life itself. The balance of everything:

I wish there was a treaty,

I wish there was a treaty 

between your love and mine.

- Leonard Cohen -

So this October I shall lit candles, enjoy little things, listen to the gorgeous deep voice, be gentle on myself, celebrate life. 

HUOMAUTUS LUKIJALLE: Tämä on julkaistu vanhassa blogissani 22.10.2016
NOTE TO READER: This one was published on my old blog on 22.10.2016