My Finland part 1

(Sorry for the techical problems, I couldn't solve them at the moment...)

I have to confess that I have grown up in a completely musical snob family.  And I say that with all my love, and I'm one too, obviously. Growing up listening to Wagner, Tchaikovsky, Sibelius, Brahms, Beethoven, and you know the rest, and knowing arias of The Magic Flute by heart at the age of five, playing the violin for over two decades, and having a home filled with musical instruments, it was quite a rare thing to hear pop music, or what's it even called? (Leonard Cohen being the only musical exception in our family.) We never ever listened to radio, so I have no idea who's who and what's what in the world of non-classical music. (But I can say if the cellist plays the Davidoff or if the violin is a Stradivarius or Guarnerius.) 

I have only very, very recently got used to listen to music without getting literally sick if the singer doesn't sing absolutely in tune. Or without the feeling my throat hurts when I hear a singer not knowing his/her technique. I have seriously tried to educate myself to listen to Finnish music, but it's a slow process. It's almost every day that I hear something new. I know now that there is a band called The Sunrise Avenue, and I really love their lyrics, and thanks to the vocalist, it does not even hurt my ears to listen to them, they stay quite nicely in tune. (Not probably the nicest compliment you would think, but for a person having an absolute pitch, this makes sense.) I need lyrics to mean something. I don't like the usual moaning about crumbled love life, the lyrics has to have depths like life itself. And you know what. I have found more Finnish songs like that than English ones. It's a pity not so many people on Earth understand them. My researcher side still thrives inside me, and I like to think it's something to do being a Finn that makes our songs so meaningful. 

We Finns do not speak much. We are rather good listeners, though. It's considered as lack of manners or very rude to interrupt another person speaking. And because we don't do small talk (you just have to see the Finnish F1 drivers once and you know what I mean), it's a good idea to listen, because if we speak, it's all hard-core stuff. After spending three decades listening to Italian arias about absurd love, I'm stuck with the feeling of relief, finally finding Music That Matters. Even though it's not Very Sophisticated. (I have gone through that same phase with literature too, after Dickens, Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, and so on, I have intentionally learnt to read whatever I feel like, not what Is Supposed To Read.) I think I might shower you with Finnish lyrics, I have hundreds in my mind already, that have a wonderful message.

Yesterday I heard one song for the first time in my life. (That still happens every day, new songs, being a newbie in this world of non-classical music.) Immediately I wanted to share it with you. It's about Finland, about being a Finn. It wraps it up in an impressive way. Of course, Jean Sibelius does it the best, and if you really would like to know what a Finnish heart sounds like, you might want to listen Finlandia, Op. 25 . (And being a snob, I really recommend not listening to whatever record of this, but the one I link, since it really matters if the orchestra and conductor are Finnish, others just cannot get it right. Just listen to this, you don't have to watch the video itself, but let the music flows into your heart and stay there forever. 8:42 minutes isn't that long time in your life. You can do it. After listening to this particular version, you're free to find whatever version you like in Spotify, but this one is an ultimate version, I listened hundreds of them for you.) This one is English version of the hymn part only, and it's just perfect, perfect, perfect: Finlandia Hymn and it speaks for itself. (And if you feel like wow, that's cool, just wait for this: Violin Concerto in D minor, Op. 47 violinist, naturally, Pekka Kuusisto!) Now, to that song I heard yesterday. After these Sibelius, you will find actually, that it's quite the same, essentially Finnish, dark, bittersweet, wistful, serious, and oh, so well describes how much we love our country.

A very Finnish Lauri Tähkä

here: Minun Suomeni (My Finland)

My Finland

My Finland is

A sentence not stated

It's the trees in the forests

It's the moon in the sky

Over the snow

My Finland is

A boy not baptized

You can't get the paganism out of the boy

Just by giving a name

When I think about it

I understand it

I'm too Finnish

My Finland

Is under the starry sky

My Finland is entirely open

And I found it out when I was roaming

All over the world

My Finland is

The most beautiful in the world

I bet it might fade away

Somewhere else

Under some other sky

Why does the longing hit

To the chest when the summer night

Opens in front of me

It goes off somehow

Just by sitting there

When I think about it

I understand it

I'm too Finnish

My Finland

Is under the starry sky

My Finland is entirely open

And I found it out when I was roaming

All over the world

My Finland is

The most beautiful in the world

And when I'm wading through my small life here

It's wild, surging in my veins

My Finland is my heart

My Finland is my head

My Finland is the sky, it's the land

My Finland

Is under the starry sky

My Finland is entirely open

And I found it out when I was roaming

All over the world

My Finland is

The most beautiful in the world

The most beautiful in the world

and in Finnish:

Minun Suomeni

Minun Suomeni on

Lause lausumaton

Se on metsässä puut

Taivaalla kuu

Yllä hankien

 Minun Suomeni on

Poika kastamaton

Ei poijjaasta saa pois pakanaa

Vain antamalla nimen

Sitä kun aattelen

Minä ymmärrän sen

Olen liiankin suomalainen

Minun Suomeni

On tähtitaivaan alla

Minun Suomeni

On auki kokonaan

Ja sen löysin kun mä kuljeskelin

Tuolla maailmalla

Minun Suomeni on

Kaunein päällä maan

Kai se haihtua pois

Jossain muualla vois

Jonkun toiseen taivaan alla

Miksi kaipaus lyö

Rintaan kun kesäyö

Eteeni aukeaa

Jotekin laukeaa

Vain siinä istumalla

Sitä kun aattelee

Minä ymmärrän sen

Olen liiankin suomalainen

Minun Suomeni

On tähtitaivaan alla

Minun Suomeni

On auki kokonaan

Ja sen löysin kun mä kuljeskelin

Tuolla maailmalla

Minun Suomeni on

Kaunein päällä maan

Ja kun täällä kahlaan pientä elämääni

Se on suonissani villi kuohuva

Minun Suomeni on sydämeni

Minun Suomeni on pääni

Minun Suomeni on taivas, se on maa

Minun Suomeni

On tähtitaivaan alla

Minun Suomeni

On auki kokonaan

Ja sen löysin kun mä kuljeskelin

Tuolla maailmalla

Minun Suomeni on

Kaunein päällä maan

Kaunein päällä maan

To be continued..

Shine Bright

It's almost December. Where did November go? Well, actually... It was just the other day I was thougth it is 2009, so maybe I should be asking, where did the years go? 

Social media is full of hygge this time of the year, I have noticed. Am I the only one thinking why such an ordinary thing as being at home, lighting candles, and enjoying life should be marketed as hygge, as a trendy thing to do? 

It is such a funny thing, that normal everyday routines during the winter time has a trendy name now and it such a fashion thing to do. Which is actually terribly sad, if you think about it. It is so so so so sad how many people need this hygge thing to stop and relax and maybe to lit one candle (and instantly put a pic to Instagram, of course) and think that wow, now I am trendy and I have done this, let's move on. People does not have time to just be still for a moment nowadays. Unles, of course, they are like me and just cannot do anything else anyway.

 I have to live my life at home, it's not something I have chosen, it's something that have happened me, and I have to accept it. It's winter. It's dark (extremely dark). It's wet. It's cold. Of course I try to make my days as cozy and comfy as possible, and that includes candles. Lots of candles. So maybe you get the idea? Hygge might be a perfect word for it. But it's not the point, I am not doing my life beautiful because it is trendy, I do it for me.

Other thing I have been thinkin lately is this mindfullness trend. Thinking that every second of your life counts, you should not waste one moment, you should enjoy it all, you cannot have a bad moment because that would compromise everything. If you feel sad, you have wasted precious moments. You cannot handle sorrow or pain, there are serious problems with your inner self, if you are not happy every single second of your life. I know, I am exaggerating, but maybe you know what I mean? Where is the place for sorrow, for tears, for feeling desperate, anxious, painful in this world of "enjoy every moment".

I am very, very blessed to be able to find joy in the little things in my life, and to be able to realise and think that those little things are actually the things that matter the most.  That it's just the little things that make my life beautiful despite all the - you know - less pretty parts of the life. Disabilities, pain, fatigue, letting go of most of the things that used define me, days in bed, brain injury, so rare diseases I am one of a kind, and all these close calls... But I strongly believe it is just because of these I can truly and honestly think life is precious gift. Because of these I can see the beauty of life, even if it is fragile and quiet one.

"Fall in love with your life" is a wonderful thought. I would like to think it would be the kind of love that is strong enough to last also the dark, deep days of living. Life is not only about laugh, happiness, light. It is so much more, even if it not often presented in magazines or in social media. (Well, of course it is, but only in a way to show how this strong person made it through hard times and the very happy end.) 

I see the pressure all the time around me, to have a perfect life. To make life perfect. I would like to scream my head of. Stop. Listen to yourself. Don't you realise? You have it already, you don't have to make it. Take your life as it is and accept that it will never be flawless. Life is beautiful just as it is. 

As Leonard Cohen put it so perfectly:  

there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. 

There are cracks, holes maybe, in my or in everybody's life, but this only allows the light to shine even more brightly in. So shine bright. You are not alone. Life is about the cracks, it's about how you live with them and make them yours.

P.S. Sorry my Finnish readers, I still cannot write in Finnish.

HUOMAUTUS LUKIJALLE: Tämä on julkaistu vanhassa blogissani 24.11.2016
NOTE TO READER: This one was published on my old blog on 24.11.2016

Gentle Softness

Anaphalis margaritacea

I would like to think October is the perfect time of year to be gentle to yourself. Summer is definitely over, but the fuss about Christmas is yet to come. (You must remember, I am a Finn, we don't do Halloween here, it's just October and yes, All Saint's Day, but not the big Halloween thingy.) I love this time of year, the bright colors are gone now, the nature is full of soft, gentle tones. My fatiqued brains enjoy it, not too much details, colors, light, it's just softness and stillness.

Somehow I feel most content this time of year. I hope I will someday learn to feel this way thewhole year round. Or, maybe I feel content just now, because I think I can honestly say, I am learning my lesson of life and truly letting go what could not be. It has been a long journey, still continuing the rest of my life, I am sure, but I have (almost) accepted it. I have learned to be gentler on myself. Not all the time, none of us could do that, I suppose. But you know the moments you are thinking if you had tried harder, done differently, or if this and that... In these moments I now remember what doctors have said to me. I could not have done more, I could not have tried harder, I could not have done differently. I have a brain injury. I have several rare illnesses. My body have a mind of its own and it does not do always as I want it to do. I am not a quitter, I tried harder than most would have, they say. And now, when I lay on my bed unable to move, I don't blame myself and think if I just want harder, maybe...

I was going to write my PhD about the Late Bronze Age urban culture continuing in the Iron Age I Northern Israel and Syria. It was my dream, my goal, my self. But I want to think there is another plan for me, that's why I had this accident destroying my memory and launching Ehlers-Danlos syndrome to a full force in me, and also chronic fatique syndrome... And myasthenia gravis. Most of the time I can't even remember the title of my dissertation. Oh, it has been a bitter path, to accept that I cannot ever continue to do what I love most. I still cry a lot, I still miss it, I still have a tremendous sorrow in my heart, but I understand it's impossible. That I need to accept it and try to focus on what's more important at the moment. To breathe. (Because that's sometimes quite an effort.) And I believe, someday I will understand, why all this.

I was delighted to listen to Leonard Cohen's latest album You Want It Darker, released yesterday. It's so full of the themes I struggle with. And yet, it has gentle softness in it. As always. I have been listening his magical voice my whole life, but this latest one, this is absolute, pure gold for a broken soul. Dark tones, but there is still that gentle reflection of hope. It's like life itself. The balance of everything:

I wish there was a treaty,

I wish there was a treaty 

between your love and mine.

- Leonard Cohen -

So this October I shall lit candles, enjoy little things, listen to the gorgeous deep voice, be gentle on myself, celebrate life. 

HUOMAUTUS LUKIJALLE: Tämä on julkaistu vanhassa blogissani 22.10.2016
NOTE TO READER: This one was published on my old blog on 22.10.2016