Gentle Softness

Anaphalis margaritacea

I would like to think October is the perfect time of year to be gentle to yourself. Summer is definitely over, but the fuss about Christmas is yet to come. (You must remember, I am a Finn, we don't do Halloween here, it's just October and yes, All Saint's Day, but not the big Halloween thingy.) I love this time of year, the bright colors are gone now, the nature is full of soft, gentle tones. My fatiqued brains enjoy it, not too much details, colors, light, it's just softness and stillness.

Somehow I feel most content this time of year. I hope I will someday learn to feel this way thewhole year round. Or, maybe I feel content just now, because I think I can honestly say, I am learning my lesson of life and truly letting go what could not be. It has been a long journey, still continuing the rest of my life, I am sure, but I have (almost) accepted it. I have learned to be gentler on myself. Not all the time, none of us could do that, I suppose. But you know the moments you are thinking if you had tried harder, done differently, or if this and that... In these moments I now remember what doctors have said to me. I could not have done more, I could not have tried harder, I could not have done differently. I have a brain injury. I have several rare illnesses. My body have a mind of its own and it does not do always as I want it to do. I am not a quitter, I tried harder than most would have, they say. And now, when I lay on my bed unable to move, I don't blame myself and think if I just want harder, maybe...

I was going to write my PhD about the Late Bronze Age urban culture continuing in the Iron Age I Northern Israel and Syria. It was my dream, my goal, my self. But I want to think there is another plan for me, that's why I had this accident destroying my memory and launching Ehlers-Danlos syndrome to a full force in me, and also chronic fatique syndrome... And myasthenia gravis. Most of the time I can't even remember the title of my dissertation. Oh, it has been a bitter path, to accept that I cannot ever continue to do what I love most. I still cry a lot, I still miss it, I still have a tremendous sorrow in my heart, but I understand it's impossible. That I need to accept it and try to focus on what's more important at the moment. To breathe. (Because that's sometimes quite an effort.) And I believe, someday I will understand, why all this.

I was delighted to listen to Leonard Cohen's latest album You Want It Darker, released yesterday. It's so full of the themes I struggle with. And yet, it has gentle softness in it. As always. I have been listening his magical voice my whole life, but this latest one, this is absolute, pure gold for a broken soul. Dark tones, but there is still that gentle reflection of hope. It's like life itself. The balance of everything:

I wish there was a treaty,

I wish there was a treaty 

between your love and mine.

- Leonard Cohen -

So this October I shall lit candles, enjoy little things, listen to the gorgeous deep voice, be gentle on myself, celebrate life. 

HUOMAUTUS LUKIJALLE: Tämä on julkaistu vanhassa blogissani 22.10.2016
NOTE TO READER: This one was published on my old blog on 22.10.2016