Beautiful October

It's October, my favourite time of the year. It's as if nature is gentler, softer than in any other month. I like to think also people are softer, if only a little and only from the inside.

I have had some difficulties with my speaking and writing, mainly in Finnish. My English is just as it always has been, not quite correct but hey, I am Finnish after all. The reason for my latest problems is a mystery to be solved, it might have something to do with the blood circulation in my brain. I speak Finnish like a foreigner and I write Finnish like a total foreigner without any knowledge whatsoever of any kind of grammar on this planet called Earth.

I have many disabilities but I am so gratelful none of them stops me from enjoying the little things in life. I know I am truly blessed, because not everyone has this wonderful gift. Past weeks have not been easy for me in so many ways I am not even trying to explain. However, I have enjoyed resting under the blankets in our conservatory, inhaling the crisp autumn air, letting the gentle autumn sun shine on my face (this I could not let happen in summertime), watching the vivid colors of the nature. And, of course, drinking coffee. 

I have heard some people think that I think I'm a saint, I am an absolute fake and other such lovely compliments. Well, I don't care. This is, after all, my life. I have learned how to be content with it. Hard way. Everyone has bad moments, dark thoughts, pain in the heart, me too. It's just that I don't have the ability nor the strenght to dwell on them. I lost my native language. It's quite sad to speak English to your Finn three-years old who does not understand a word mum says. Every word I speak hurts, and causes extreme fatique. But, I have learned a lesson. Don't never ever take anything for granted. Never stop being grateful of the simple, small things you have. And never ever when you wake up in the morning, forget to feel blessed and thankful because you woke up and are alive. I have had too many moments not to take life as granted anymore. So, I try to make every single day beautiful, kind and pretty for me and for my family, it might be my last.

Most of the days I am too fatiqued to do anything, I just stay in bed and look at the life around me. There might be a good moment or two, maybe a little crocheting, a nice cup of coffee, a tiny bit of reading or looking for beautiful instagram pictures and listening to what my children have on their mind. Small things most people doesn't even stop to think twice. Huge delighting moments for me. I admit this all is a bit different from the life I always imagined would be mine. I planned my life differently. I was writing my dissertation about a subject I hardly cannot memorize anymore, I was a so-called good mum participating my children's lives with full intensity, I had hopes and plans for the future I never had the chance to have. But I got more. Much more. I got a memory so bad I cannot dwell on anything very long because I don't remember what for. I got a life full of dreams, wishes, love, beauty, and ability to enjoy the small things. I would call myself a winner in this bargain.

I hope your autumn would be as filled with love, sunshine, warm thoughts, and joy as mine.

 

HUOMAUTUS LUKIJALLE: Tämä on julkaistu vanhassa blogissani 5.10.2016
NOTE TO READER: This one was published on my old blog on 5.10.2016

Kesätuuli - Summer Wind

Olen unelmoinut koko pitkän talven, kevään ja kesänkin merestä. Lämpimästä rantakalliosta, leppeästä tuulesta kasvoilla, aaltojen äänestä. Liikuntarajoitteisena ei ole ihan helppoa päästä nauttimaan merestä, hiekkarannoille ei pyörätuolin kanssa pääse mitenkään, ja kalliot ovat yleensä yhtä hankalia nekin. Harvoin on luonto tai luonnon apukädet järjestäneet esteettömän kulun rannoille. Ja silti meidän sairaidenkin ihmisten mielessä palaa ihan sama tuli kuin kenen tahansa sisällä, toiveita ja haaveita kesästä ja vedestä ja auringosta.

Lapsuuden kesiin kuului aina vesi, tavalla tai toisella. Serkusten kanssa vietetyt mökkikesähetket ovat niin syvälle sydänmuistiin piirtyneet, ettei edes aivovamma niitä ole pyyhkinyt muistista. Järvikesät ja souturetket, uimapatjamaratoonit vastarannan saareen, loputtomat laiturileikit, matonpesut, uusien perunoiden pesut laiturin lämmössä... Ja meren rannalla suolan tuoksu, kaisloista rakennetut aarteet, veneseikkailut, uimaretket piskuisille luodoille. Puhumattakaan tietysti muurinpohjalettujen, grillimakkaroiden ja kinkkuvoileipien ehtymättömästä määrästä, jolla serkuskatrasta pyöritettiin. Ei aina paistanut aurinko, ei. Mutta ei se tahtia hidastanut. Mikä esti uimisen sateessa? Ei niin mikään! Ukkosella sentään, ja silloin kun vanhempien mielestä oli kylmää, pysyteltiin mökkien hämärässä lämmössä, pelattiin unoa, luettiin neitietsiviä ja suunniteltiin supattaen Suuria Asioita, joita aikuisina tekisimme.

Varmaankin jokaiseen suomalaiseen on sisäänrakennettu jonkin asteinen kaipuu kesävetten ääreen. Niinpä minäkin tahdoin, yhden kerran, valloittaa rantakallion. Puin kauneimman mekkoni, tyllialushameeni ja ballerinat ja valmistauduin kesän kauneimpaan muistoon. Pääsin rannalle. Taaimmalle kalliolle, lähimmäs tietä ja autoa, mutta pääsin! Sieltä näkyi meri, aaltojen kimallus laskevassa auringossa, hempeä pastellitaivas ja kaukana, kaukana horisontissa purjeveneitä. Istuin kalliolla, jonka lämpö hyväili käsiäni, kuuntelin aaltojen lyöntiä ja lokkien laulua, annoin kesätuulen pyyhkiä kasvojani ja imin itseeni suolan tuoksua koko vuoden tarpeiksi. Ensi kesänä sitten taas nähdään, meri.

I longed the whole year for the sea. I longed for the gentle sea wind, roaring of the waves, but it is not that easy to get to the sea if you are disabled. And even we, who have chronic illness, have dreams and desires, we too would love to have memories about summer, the sun, and the sea.

Water was as vital part of my childhood summer memories as sun and laughter. Memories of summers with my cousins are so deep within me that even brain injury has had no effect on them. Days on the lake or the sea spent just as fully as only children can: with laughter and joy. Picnics, swimming, rowing... And swimming in the rain, of course! And if the weather was just too bad, playing cards inside, reading nancydrews and dreaming about all the things we would do when we would eventually be grown-ups.

I think that there might be a built-in longing for the summer waters in all Finns. I yearned to the sea just once this summer. So I dressed my most beautiful butterfly dress, tulle petticoat, ballerinas, and was ready for the most precious summer memory of this year: the beach. I made it! Even if I made it to the rock nearest our car, but I made it anyway. I saw the sun, I saw the glittering sea, and I saw the pastel painted evening sky. I hear the seagulls, the waves, and I felt the sea wind in my face. I breathed the fresh salty air. I absorbed the sea within me so that I can hold it there the whole year. I will see you again next summer, sea. Wait for me. 

HUOMAUTUS LUKIJALLE: Tämä on julkaistu vanhassa blogissani 8.7,.2016
NOTE TO READER: This one was published on my old blog on 8.7.2016